4am. She stared into darkness and felt a sudden rush of warmth on her face. Soon her pillow was wet and breathing hurt. She clutched her blanket to her chest, as if to feel the pain inside. This time, she wanted to know what was hurting her so much, so she just closed her eyes tight and allowed herself to merge with the darkness within her room. It was when she was finally able to breathe that she realized how unfair it was for her to feel like this alone. Foolish enough to fall one-sided and disillusioned enough to hope that he felt the same. She climbed out of her bed, unable to bear with her own delusion, while a part of her still wanted to believe that he lied, to sit up properly. She looked into the mirror and was terrified at the sight of her swollen eyes. How lucky she did not break down in front of him. He must feel burdened no matter if he felt for her or not. And he was going to leave the city for good. She paused for another moment to look straight into her reflection in the mirror. Afterall, she was normal. She could have feelings for others just like any other girl. Coming from a dysfunctional family, she had never dared to think she could feel for someone like this. On this thought, she smiled. Whether this feeling was reciprocal was not important anymore. It was this new found freedom to love others fearlessly that relieved her from her slavery of insecurity and wallowing in self pity. Wide awake by now, she turned on the radio and here came the song.

When night comes and snow begins to fall
I feel sadness softly well up inside me
My tears extinguished the fire in my heart
And I watched as the seasons went by

Outside, it’s cold enough to freeze a sigh
Wind howls through the empty winter streets
I’m at that Akarenga station
Waiting for someone who’ll never return, woo…

Tonight I sing a tearful love serenade
It’s a love song I still haven’t forgotten
Snow, let me celebrate my love once more
Grace this night of lonely tears with white love

Once the holy bell starts to ring
The farthest part of the city appears in a dream
An angel descended from the sky
And smiled for me before the coming of spring, woo…

I pray to overcome this loneliness
My white lover’s waiting for me
So I’ll hold onto dreams, hope and foreverness
Soon these painful days will have white love

Tonight I sing a tearful love serenade
It’s a love song I still haven’t forgotten
Let’s celebrate this new journey one last time
Grace this winter of lonely tears with white love
Ah, ah…
Eternal white love
My love

I just miss you
I can’t take it any more
I need you…
Tears

White Lovers by Kuwata Keisuke